5 Tips: How to Read the Bible the RIGHT Way - MY Way
(This is a guest post from our good friend, Mr. Fundamentalist.)
The world is descending into a pit filled with unimaginable horrors, such as terrorist attacks caused by homosexuals, Democrats in public office, and comeback performances by Britney Spears.
And let’s face it, Christianity itself isn’t that far behind. Like a sick puppy, we run after the world in it’s depravity, and beg for our fixes of video games (aka, murder-simulators), the Rock and Roll “music”, and the witchcraft training manuals called Harry Potter.
We need to wake up and start taking a stand!
But we need a firm foundation to make that stand on. And what better foundation is there than complete conformity in all of our thinking? This starts with how to read the Bible.
There are too many different sects of Christianity out there, and too many sects within those sects. Each one has their own interpretation of the Bible. Frankly, it’s sickening. We all know that God personally wrote the Bible, so how in the world can we possibly come up with so many different meanings?
The answer is simple: most people are wrong. After all, “narrow is the way”. There is obviously only one interpretation that is the correct one. Here are my tips on how to reach the same interpretation of Holy Scripture that I came to.
In other words, here is how you can reach the only CORRECT interpretation.
- Ignore the Old Testament.
The key word here is “old”. We’re living under the New Covenant now. Sure, Jesus said that he came not to abolish, but to fulfill, but what he really meant by fulfill was “to replace completely with something that has no relation or roots whatsoever in Judaism.” God is calling a mulligan. The Jews really screwed things up, so now he wants to give Christians a chance.
I used to think that the Old Testament could be used for examples to teach children in Sunday School, but that temptation was the Devil talking. God got rid of it for a reason. I mean, honestly, have you ever read the Old Testament? It’s full of things like sex and violence, which aren’t appropriate for anyone. It’s just safer to ignore it so people don’t get confused.
Be sure to buy New Testament-only Bibles. It’s clear evidence of the Devil’s power that it’s hard to find a Bible that does not include at least Psalms and Proverbs, but it’s nothing a pair of scissors or a some vigorous page-ripping can’t remedy.
Now that we’ve gotten that distraction out of the way, the following tips can focus exclusively on the New Testament.
- Assume Everything was Written Directly for YOU.
God wrote the Bible so you, as a Christian living in the 21st century, could get to heaven. So it’s appropriate to assume that every single thing in it was meant specifically for you.
Historical context doesn’t matter, so you can throw it in the trash along with the Old Testament. It was invented by evil atheists, and is just another clever disguise the Devil gives for false teachers to use. You don’t live in ancient Rome, so neither should the Bible. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
One beneficial exercise to perform is to scratch out all instances of the word “you” and all write your own name above it. If you’re feeling really holy, put your name in the places of some other third party names as well, like Cornelius, Herod, or Lazarus. The only words off-limits are Peter, Paul, and Jesus.
- The Bible is THE roadmap to heaven, so the most important thing to look for are the signs (rules) that will keep you on the right path.
Some people claim that since the Bible is 90% narrative, we should treat it as narrative. I say Blasphemy!
Since we’re ignoring the Old Testament in our quest for truth, the Bible is really only 60% narrative, and much of that is Jesus speaking directly to us (see tip #2), laying down the rules for this new covenant. And God, through the letters of Paul, liked nothing better than to tell churches what to do and what not to do. As we saw in tip #2, these letters might as well have been delivered straight to your personal mailbox!
As you read, write down every rule you can find with the book, chapter, and verse you found it in. After you’ve gone through the Bible a few times, type up your list and print out at least 5 copies. Put them up around your house, and carry one with you at all times. You can use this list to judge your own behavior, but more importantly, you can use it to judge others. It’s very easy to show people how wrong they are and put them back on the path to heaven if you have your list with you at all times.
I could give you the list I came up with, but coming up with your own list is an important part of learning to read the Bible the right way. “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” (John 8:32) However, if you send me your list of rules, I’ll compare it to my own list and return yours back with any addition that are necessary for you to get to heaven safely.
- Don’t read books or commentaries by so-called “scholars.”
Remember, knowledge puffs up, so you need to have as little of it as possible (1 Cor. 8:1). In addition, many of these “scholars” use un-American languages like Greek and Hebrew to make their points, so it’s not wise to trust them. A lot of them are also Democrats.
You don’t want anything standing between the pure Word of God and your brain. These various “scholarly” works tend to overly complicate things, when interpreting a document over 2,000 years old should be extremely simple. The Bible, written in it’s unadulterated English form, should be all you need. Preferably the King James Version.
- Only Vote for Republicans.
Because if the Democrats burn your Bibles and force your children pray to the demon-god Allah when they are at school, how are you supposed to follow these tips? I can’t stress this point enough. In order to have the opportunity to use the above tips, you must commit to this step. Remember, a vote for a Republican is a vote for Jesus.
Follow these tips when reading your Bible, and you will be well on your way to getting a first-class ticket straight to heaven. I’ll be right there with you.
Everyone else can ride coach, and fly straight down to Hell.
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Great points! I wish had said that, in fact may I use your quote,”a vote for a republican is a vote for Jesus”?
If only more people were able to recognize this simple fact!
Feel free to use it, and thanks for the feedback.
this is a joke right? just don’t read it and go to catholic church.. better off that way
Yeah, it’s satire.
I’m not sure I get your Catholic Church reference.
Sad that this is posted on the net for people to read and mistake as truth
It’s definitely sad that people are that gullible. But I’m not going to define my behavior based on a fringe minority that might or might not exist.
The only people who are going to think this is “truth” is people who already think this way, or desperately want to believe that it’s true. The hints and signs are everywhere that this is obviously satire. It even has a satire tag.
[…] although it’s not a response to my post, Eddie Arthur put me on to this seriously funny post: 5 Tips: How to Read the Bible the RIGHT Way - MY Way. Matt’s post has that same effect on people, “Heh, heh. You’re joking, […]
Everything you say is absolutely true. I’m using this post in my Sunday School class tomorrow…
Yeah, the true message needs to be put out there by dedicated Christians like yourself.
[…] Start up your sense of humor and then go read this! […]
thanks for the advice. i really need to stop judging and get back to reading the bible.
[…] Matt Robison, a blogger new to me, has a tongue-very-firmly-in-cheek post about how to read the Bible the right way: […]
The Bible is the infallible word of our Lord. If you are a TRUE Christian, you follow these these commands:
Who You Should Kill
–Unruly or rebellious child. Deut 21:20-21
–Those who curse or hit their parents. Lev 20:9, Ex 21:15
–Worshipers of other gods. Deut 13:6-11
–Psychics, witches. Lev 20:27, Deut 13:6-11, Ex 22:18.
–Those who do not believe in Jesus (parable). Luke 19:27.
–Those who work on the Sabbath. Ex 35:2 (Moses kills a gentile for this. Num 15:32-36.)
–Those who are accused by at least two people of wickedness. Deut 17:6.
–The children and babies of enemies. Num 31:17, Deut 20:13, Psalm 137:9, Lev 26:29.
–Adulterers. Lev 20:10.
–Homosexuals. Lev 20:13.
–A woman who is not a virgin when married. Deut 22:13-21.
–Those who are careless with murderous livestock. Exodus 21:29.
Who You Should Hate
–Those who eat crab or shrimp. Lev 11:10.
–Those who sacrifice an animal to God that has a blemish. Deut 17:1.
–Those who remarry the same person after divorce. Deut 24:4.
–Homosexuals. Lev 18:22.
–Those who are proud. Prov 16:5.
–A woman who wears pants. Deut 22:5.
–A man with long hair (Jesus?). 1Cor 11:14
–Those who call others fools Mat 5:22
Should we still do this stuff?
–All OT laws still apply in NT. Matt 5:17-19
—————————————
You don’t dare to try and FILTER and pick and choose from the word of God right? You don’t pull that nambie-pampy “out of context” silliness with passages you don’t like, but then wholeheartedly accept those you DO like? That is SIN!
So either you are a TRUE Christian, and you’ll follow those loving commands from God. Or you are doomed to be tortured in hell forever! Oh Glory!
Oh Glory indeed!
You actually had me going there for a bit, until I saw your url. Kudos.
So i guess the many references and illusions to the Old Testament by Jesus and the Apostles are insignificant.
If you don’t beLIEve what **I** beLIEve, the loving Lord will see you Tortured in Hell for all Eternity! Oh glory!
[…] the Old Testament.” In this great article, Robin shares a bit about a post entitled, “5 Tips: How to read Bible the Right Way–MY WAY! It is pure satire, but I encourage you to click on both articles (Robin’s How to read the […]
[…] the original link is here at http://www.newlibertycreation.com/5-tips-on-how-to-read-the-bible-the-right-way-my-way/ . Read ‘em and agree and […]
dear matt u are pathetic God sees all and he sees u ur misleading people how can u say the hell with everybody else if u were a real christian u will try to help them and it is bad to take pages away from the bible didnt u read that verse God will curse those who take away or add things to the bible that is a sacred book u shouldnt play around with Gods words like that itll come back to you
Hey John, darn shame that McJesus didn’t give you a BRAIN! Learn to actually read and write using correct English rules, and then we can chat stud.
And, with 30,000+ children DYING of starvation every day on earth, why would a “god” answer YOUR prayers fatboy?
Sorry and please don’t take this personally but you’re an idiot. Do you have ANY clue as to what the Bible says! “God calling a MULLIGAN!!” Get a clue. No, I don’t REALLY think you’re an idiot, but your comments are foolish. I’d love to tell you sometime how I think everyone should read the Bible.
You do know this is satire, right?
I appreciate dry humor, but (judging NOT) your words are blasphemous. There are SO many avenues to present your point, and I’m sure my God NEVER played golf. Please, don’t mock our God, and your fellow christians. Your wit is appropriate & appreciated, but you could have done so much better.
And, because you care so much, I am a career model & weigh 120 lbs, used to weigh 350 (why would you call ANYONE ‘fatboy’???), am completing my MBA, have been asked to TWO SI shootings, and maybe will one day. I’m not raising myself up, I just think you could do a whole lot better with your form of ‘comedy’. God is not comedy.
By the way, since I’m sure you don’t get out much, “SI” is anachronism for “Sports Illustrated”. Oh you probably knew that, I forgot, the god you mock gets mulligans in his golf game.
You have skill - I suggest you find a way to use it without debasing the creator who gave it to you.
I’m not sure who exactly this comment is directed to, as you appropriately berate the comment fatboy, even though I did not say it.
Yes there are, and humor and satire is one of the most effective. Several of the writers of the Bible, most especially that of Proverbs, obviously recognized this.
And any Creator who created the Giraffe has GOT to have a sense of humor.
When did I say he played golf. Mulligan can be used in other contexts , as it clearly was here.
I really don’t understand your venom. Is it all because you thought that I insinuated that God had an imperfect golf game? I assure you, I believe that if God has a golf game, it would be perfect
That certainly wasn’t my intent. The whole point was to shed light on those who really are debasing their Creator with their hate and ignorance. Judging from the majority of feedback, I succeeded.
Like I said in one of my previous posts about the Call to Creative Culture, it is the Christians duty to be creative and use the mind God gave them to come up with creative ways of accomplishing his purposes.
After quite a bit of thought, and much prayer, I would ask for my previous post to be disregarded. You have willingly, and quite insightfully, ’showed your work’, as it were.
I still am left troubled by the MANY many earnest christians that will not only stumble upon this post, but also stumble upon the message it supposedly ‘projects’, at face value.
You are obviously (I believe trough christ) skilled with words, and have a true sense of their meaning, but I still cannot help but be troubled by those that, by WHATEVER reason, be jaundiced by their intended meaning.
Te quiero- Danisa
By the way - on the ‘fatboy’ misnomer…….if you you use another member of this board to present your point, to illustrate your point even, then please don’t shirk when people mistake your, oops I mean their, meaning. Take responsibility for it.
And also, although the word ‘mulligan’ is (I presume?) used in every context that you seem to need it, the word was first contexted in 1882, and I’m sure it would find no place in describing our Lord Jesus Christ’s work EVER. Retrospectively, you write,
“Assume Everything was Written Directly for YOU.
God wrote the Bible so you, as a Christian living in the 21st century, could get to heaven. So it’s appropriate to assume that every single thing in it was meant specifically for you.”
Who are you then, to ‘retrofit’ a word coined into existence in the 1800’s para ustedes punto? Unless you have writings, coined and blessed by God, then I hope better for you Te quiero ustedes.
Danisa
Points regarding the content aside, with regards to the mulligan issue…. mountain from a molehill comes to mind. It’s a metaphor.. I’m sure you would agree that it has nothing to do with God or Jesus actually playing golf: it’s a metaphor for the New Testament being a retake of the Old Testament because the OT went wrong, akin to a retake of a bad shot in golf (AKA a mulligan). Also, the etymology of the word has no bearing whatsoever on its successful use as a metaphor. If used in a metaphorical sense then it would be a perfectly acceptable analogy to compare the Trinity to, say, a partitioned hard drive, even though that technology post-dates Jesus’ life by almost 2000 years. “Retro-fitting” words, as yo put it, is perfectly acceptable for the purpose of metaphors, just as the peole of Jesus’ time used metaphors and analogies relevant to their time (Lamb of God, Shepherd etc…).
Ok I agree that the old testament laws no longer apply because Christ set us free from those. The problem I have is that I do not agree at all that we should ignore the old testament. It is the exact same God as in the New testament. Plus if you really read into it there are references everywhere that point to Christ(i.e. Joseph sitting at the right-hand of Pharaoh, God testing Abraham by asking him if he was willing to sacrifice his ’son’, the fact of how the Lord rescued the children of Isreal from slavery-a foreshadowing of mankinds slavery to sin- and then the Isrealites were in the wilderness-a foreshadowing of the confusion that often comes about because as new believers Satan throws deceptions at us to detour us from God’s purpose for us, and of course after we break through that illusion and follow God’s purpose for our lives and as a result enter into the Promised Land, of course the lambs blood at Passover). And what about all of the prophesies that talk about the events during the New Testament? They’re all over the Old Testament. I could on and on about the foreshadowing of what God had planned to redeem mankind. It is the exact same God in the Old and New. Another thing that I learned is that the literal translation of the word Torah is not law, but ‘Pathway’. It has nothing to do with legalism(this means that there should be no confusion about holding on to the Sabbath). Another important point is that Jesus died for all sins - past, present, and future. This means that there were people from before Christ that are saved as well . Whether Christs’ blood covers your sins is simply determined by confessing to God that you can’t live this life under your own power and to ask Him to help. This also means repentance of your sins(which means turning from sins) and following God. Of course there are sins that we commit they we aren’t even aware of, so obviously the old testament laws of sacrificing animal blood can’t remain it just isn’t possibly efficient enough. King David got the point. He knew that he had to lean on God and live for Him and in that he could achieve salvation. The key word is FAITH that our God the Father, through His Son and God incarnate Jesus, will deliver us. The main thing to remember is to not end up like the Pharissees and try to be right with God through earthly works, because you WILL mess up and you WILL be held accountable. It’s absolutely impossible to be right with God through religion(by that I mean man-made traditions that add-on requirements such as ceremonies,man-made structure, and of course man-made rules and regulations). Guidlines are fine, but just like legal codes that are so strict that they confuse us, man-made rules will only deflect our ability to LIVE for our Creator.
Nice Post. Enjoyed it.
However, the real treat was reading the comments from your enlightened readership.
why would you say don’t pay any mind to the old testaments. where ever did you get that from. i’m christian what are you. please tell me why shouldn’t we follow the old testaments. so we don’t follow the ten command god setup for us.
The Bible is the infallible word of our Lord. If you are a TRUE Christian, you follow these these commands:
Who You Should Kill
–Unruly or rebellious child. Deut 21:20-21
–Those who curse or hit their parents. Lev 20:9, Ex 21:15
–Worshipers of other gods. Deut 13:6-11
–Psychics, witches. Lev 20:27, Deut 13:6-11, Ex 22:18.
–Those who do not believe in Jesus (parable). Luke 19:27.
–Those who work on the Sabbath. Ex 35:2 (Moses kills a gentile for this. Num 15:32-36.)
–Those who are accused by at least two people of wickedness. Deut 17:6.
–The children and babies of enemies. Num 31:17, Deut 20:13, Psalm 137:9, Lev 26:29.
–Adulterers. Lev 20:10.
–Homosexuals. Lev 20:13.
–A woman who is not a virgin when married. Deut 22:13-21.
–Those who are careless with murderous livestock. Exodus 21:29.
Who You Should Hate
–Those who eat crab or shrimp. Lev 11:10.
–Those who sacrifice an animal to God that has a blemish. Deut 17:1.
–Those who remarry the same person after divorce. Deut 24:4.
–Homosexuals. Lev 18:22.
–Those who are proud. Prov 16:5.
–A woman who wears pants. Deut 22:5.
–A man with long hair (Jesus?). 1Cor 11:14
–Those who call others fools Mat 5:22
Should we still do this stuff?
–All OT laws still apply in NT. Matt 5:17-19
—————————————
You don’t dare to try and FILTER and pick and choose from the word of God right? You don’t pull that nambie-pampy “out of context” silliness with passages you don’t like, but then wholeheartedly accept those you DO like? That is SIN!
So either you are a TRUE Christian, and you’ll follow those loving commands from God. Or you are doomed to be tortured in hell forever! Oh Glory!
Not funny.
I am a born-again Christian. I came to this sight looking for TRUTH. I saw nothing more than insults thrown, false doctrine and accusations. We are the body of Christ, we are to show LOVE. Even when we don’t agree, we show LOVE. Obviously there is a huge problem within the Christian community. We are all divided with our answers. Which one is the TRUTH? I don’t want YOUR opinion, I want fact, not a misinterpretation of it. We ought to discuss this. A house divided falls lest we agree. For a non Christian to read the comments here WE did him a diservice and why should he think to change. He didn’t see LOVE here.
So, we ignore all of the Old Testament then? The 10 Commandments? Or only the parts you don’t think are nice? But then, different Biblical scholars say DIFFERENT things?! Shouldn’t an all powerful, omniscient, truly loving being make this pretty simple and straight forward?
Should I ignore the OT, or embrace it? Or just follow the parts YOU say are ok?
We DO NOT IGNORE the OT. Plain and simply. Jesus referred to it hundreds of times Himself.
We are not seperated from Judaism, we are a continuation.
The 10 Commandments NT was broken down in the simplest way:
Love God Covers the first 4
Love your neighbor. Covers the last 6
The Sabbath is a Saturday, Jesus did not change it. Easter and Christmas are not in the BIBLE.
Jesus Died on Wednesday. Its not a misinterpretation….Its scriptual.
Easter is a pagan holiday origianted to honor a fertility God back in Babylon. The KJV meant to write PASSOVER Hebrew for Pasach.
There are so many denominations, they all say they are right. The Bible has every question answered for you. Its your job to look it up. Don’t rely on your parents, pastor, any man…..All Born -Again Christians have the Holy Spirit as our guide. He will give us the understanding.
Christmas is another hoax. Satan brought this into the Church and man followed it. Jesus clearly stated than man will change the times and laws.
I was raised Catholic, I walked away because there is too much tradition and not enough scriptural truth to what they teach. I have gone to 4 different denominations: They all don’t agree and teach the same doctrine. I got frustrated and started to read and study the bible on my own. The above are all TRUTHS. You want to know how/what the EARLY CHURCH taught? Read ACTS…..
I see the frustration in this forum. Most of you know there is something wrong with what we are taught. Praise the Lord you are diligent in learning AND applying the truth to your life.
Foe me, Its a tough pill to swallow when you think you know the Bible and you discover its pagen doctrine interwoven in there with God’s WORD.
But I have to say this again…..DO NOT IGNORE THE OT. There is a parallel that you will see. I won’t ruin the fun for you. Once you see it you’ll know what I mean.
I have so much to learn. I don’t mind sharing what I know. I am still working on the RAPTURE theory. Is it at the beginning right after the ANTICHRIST is on the scene? Is it at the end? Both have made good arguemnts using scripture. Only one is right. It will be revealed to me in God’s timing. I’d like to believe its in the beginning….
Lets all work together to teach one another what we know. For those of us who may disagree, don’t point the finger at the other. We all can learn and grow in Christ. After all, we are of the same body, aren’t we?
God Bless us all…
Not reading the Old Testament will only give you an incomplete knowledge of the New Testament.